Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
