Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
