Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
