Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
not ubering you a puppy
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
