My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
