About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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