Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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