Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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