I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
