I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
