I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
