Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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