Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
