Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
