dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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