You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
