my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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