Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
