U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
