So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
