Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
