I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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