tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize