She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
