the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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