you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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