Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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