Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
