one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
