Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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