i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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