If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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