he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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