Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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