wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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