good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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