I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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