I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
