I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
