Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
