im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Come see our sink grown plant.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
