I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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