How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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