I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
