Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
4 words: hood of his car
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
