If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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