apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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