Yo dont text me then not text me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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