I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
