You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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