oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
