You're completely useless in the revolution.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
