I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
