The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
