you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize