I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
