A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
