apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
