She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
