I didn't shave. On purpose
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
