I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
