I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
