i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
