You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
