whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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