Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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